Have you ever felt lost? Out of place? Inadequate? In your mind you know who you are, where you are and that you are doing all you can, but you just can't get your heart to believe it.
I think that is where I've been for awhile now. Looking back at this blog, it has been three years since I published anything. There have been lots of unfinished drafts during that time, but nothing I have felt in my heart was what I wanted to say. It is as if I had lost my voice and just couldn't get it back. Intellectually I knew I was doing all I could do and maybe even more than I should at times, but my heart kept feeling all those things that didn't work out as I had hoped, seeing all those needs I couldn't fill, missing all those who were no longer in my life. It didn't matter that I knew I could not control the choices of others, all I kept hearing was "If only you were better.....", "If only you had done .....", "If only you.....".
I didn't like feeling this way. I was being overwhelmed by self-doubt. Everything I did was tinged with "You could have/should have done that better." The emotional and physical toll this sense of inadequacy was taking on me became just one more confirmation that I was not good enough. Even when I KNEW I was doing all I could and the best I could, I had to find a way to get my heart to know it too. I read: I read from the best books, especially the scriptures; from magazine, newspaper and online articles. I listened: to church leaders, in my worship classes, to my friends, to my family. I prayed and I pondered. I tried to be grateful and to express that gratitude. And as I did these things, I made note of the things that touched my heart and I began to see a pattern emerge.
What have I learned:
1. Belief in yourself and your abilities is a continuous process. Self-doubt and discouragement are great tools of the adversary. By making us focus on perceived inadequacies, Satan strives to separate us from our Heavenly Father by making us feel unworthy of His love. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and I love Him and He loves me. THIS IS TRUTH!!!! I love my children. I tell them this every chance I can. Heavenly Father is telling us He loves us, too. We just need to listen.
2. Trust in the Lord is a powerful thing. Just after Memorial Day, I really lost my voice. No rhyme or reason to why it was gone. It just was, in mid-sentence, gone. In fact, I am still trying to get it back all the way. For someone who loves to talk to others and to laugh and to sing (though not very well), it has been a struggle. Even though the doctor said that it might take up to a couple of months to return, I just knew I would have it back by the first Sunday in June, because I had to teach at church. But Sunday morning dawned and I still couldn't talk above a whisper. As I stood in the shower that morning, tears running down my face, I kept asking why. Wasn't I doing enough? Wasn't I good enough? Why did this have to happen? As I turned off the water, I heard the words to one of my favorite hymns, Be Still My Soul.* Oh, how I needed that reminder that the Lord is there for me. He knows me and understands what I am feeling. He is there to support me and help me get back up when I fall. Just because I have struggles, it does not mean I am failing or falling short, it is often because there is something I need to learn that will help me grow. He does not want me to fail, but when I do make mistakes, He has shown me how to correct them.
3. I don't have to be perfect. Dieter F. Uchtdorf stated, "I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.
“Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
“And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does” (“Forget Me Not,” Ensign, Nov. 2011).
There is a plant in our yard. We planted it eight years ago when we moved into our home. We chose it, not because we knew what it would become, but because we had seen others in the neighborhood and knew is was a good plant for the desert. This year, we noticed it was putting up a stock for the first time. So we started looking at those other plants and realized we were about to see something truly amazing and very unexpected. Each morning we could see visibly how much the stock had grown. It wasn't an inch or two, but sometimes as many as six or seven inches in one day. Soon the stock was up to the eaves of our roof, so one Sunday my husband carefully tipped it so it was on the outside of our raingutter. While no longer straight, still the stock continued to grow. We kept waiting for it to flower, but it just kept growing. By the next Sunday it was almost to the roofline when viewed from the end of our driveway. And it still kept growing. Finally we noticed buds opening and there they were, these tiny, fuzzy flowers, not at all like the plants in those neighboring yards.
Just like our plant, I do not have to be perfect to add beauty to the world around me. I am unique and my worth is not determined in comparison to those around me.
I mentioned to my husband that our son was writing a book. He replied that knowing the author, it was sure to be a good one. Then he looked at me and said, "You should start writing again. I miss it." So now I am back to where I started today. I am still working on my inner voice. I know it is an ongoing process. I don't know what the future holds, but I feel strongly that I need to be sure of my place to face that future. Writing helps me focus and look at those "If only....."s from a different perspective. I am not sharing this today because I think I have conquered that inner doubt. My hope is that by putting my thoughts into writing, I will have planted the things I have learned more firmly in my heart, so when those times of doubt come, so to will what I know to strengthen me and when needed, I will have this to look back on as a gentle reminder.
*Be Still My Soul
1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
Sometimes God calms the storm. 
Sometimes God calms the storm. 
